Was it really my ugly self this whole time?

I am crying so bad as i right this i feel horrible right now, so my boyfriend looked at porn and i found out about a year and a half ago and i came online for help because i have such a low self esteem and i felt like i was not good enough when he did this. But when i came online everyone said it was normal well all the guys of course which makes sense for them to stick up for themselves ... then we started having less pleasurable sex but i thought at least we had sex and still i came online and asked if it it was normal but like always guys said it was supposedly normal...then he couldnt get hard by me at all..and we couldnt have sex and i did not why..and i was gonna break up with him, because it was the tenth time of his softness (by that i mean not being able to get hard) it was two days before valentines but on valentines day he asked me to see him since we've been together for 4 yrs almost an i agreed ...and we had sex and i asked him why he could and he said it was because he hadnt jacked off to pornography so we got back together and sometimes he got hard and sometimes he didnt but like always i looked up online and online it said it was probably stress and ect but not my fault and i tried to think i wasnt the reason for it i wasnt the reason he could not get hard because i have always been very depressed and suicidal and im afraid thinking that will just get me off the edge so anyway he stopped looking at it cause i got birth control and he could ejaculate inside of me and thought that was way better than jacking off ...i rarely have my period because of birth control but i had my period this week and he was jacking off my to breasts and ejaculating on me since i couldnt have sex but it baffled me that he could get hard everyday this week because i thought the problem was that he would jack off...but now i get it the problem was me because when he looked at porn then looked at me & couldnt get hard because the girls there are increadibly good looking and i admit im chubby i weigh 170 am 5 4 and i have 36D breasts and a normal size butt but a sort of chubby stomach and i just feel horrible because i asked him this and he said yes i think thats why..so this whole time it was me and i got to be honest i just feel like killing myself now that ive found this out..like i asked him so like after you saw them and then you saw me you didnt find me attractive? and he admitted yes but yet the whole time he couldnt get hard i would sob because i noticed like he would only get hard for a little while then i would try to get him in and he would get soft like after i took my clothes off and i felt horrible but he swore it was because he jacked off not because of me but if that was the case wouldnt he be getting soft now?! :( i just feel horrible cause i have horrible unreachable standards ill never be as good looking as them and i cant get this horirble thought of my head that the whole time it was me who couldnt get him up!!! :( :( :(